Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Mr Mum
I love that my husband passes over 20 bags of frozen breast milk to get to the peas without blinking an eye.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Remembering the good times
I was reading some of the earlier blogs when I was a parent with a single kid and laughing at my rookie mistakes. I am now an expert fingernail clipper.
What is challenging, however, is clipping your newborns fingernails (with all the aforementioned issues) while your toddler is pulling your arm in an attempt to get the clippers.
What is challenging, however, is clipping your newborns fingernails (with all the aforementioned issues) while your toddler is pulling your arm in an attempt to get the clippers.
There is no learning curve
I had the realization today that some decisions never get any easier.
Like, Why do your children always get sick on a Thursday afternoon? That means you can't wait 24 hours before calling the doctor for an appt. So you're left with the options of spending half a day at the doctor for them to tell you to wait it out or a trip to urgent care on Sunday and a very non relaxing weekend.
Like, Why do your children always get sick on a Thursday afternoon? That means you can't wait 24 hours before calling the doctor for an appt. So you're left with the options of spending half a day at the doctor for them to tell you to wait it out or a trip to urgent care on Sunday and a very non relaxing weekend.
Someone is always listening
My daughter has started referring to all children as boys. No big deal until she sees a bunch of children and yells out "Hey boys". My husband just calmly turned to me and asked, "Where did she learn that?"
Mathematical madness
Math is everywhere - one day it will explain the universe. In the meantime, please calculate or identify...
...exactly how long and in what order the following steps be taken to minimize chaos before walking out the door?
1. Restraining my son in his car seat with exactly 2 minutes before he realizes that it sucks.
2. Putting a coat and shoes on my daughter who is actively trying to remove them.
3. Getting my own coat and shoes on while grabbing my purse, diaper bag, and car keys.
...a table of foods according to their potential for creating mess. Mess can be defined as the number of pieces that can be created and strewn about by a toddler. A croissant should be at the very very top of that list.
...how many pieces should you cut a piece of fruit to slow your toddler's intake so that you can actually eat some aswell.
...exactly how long and in what order the following steps be taken to minimize chaos before walking out the door?
1. Restraining my son in his car seat with exactly 2 minutes before he realizes that it sucks.
2. Putting a coat and shoes on my daughter who is actively trying to remove them.
3. Getting my own coat and shoes on while grabbing my purse, diaper bag, and car keys.
...a table of foods according to their potential for creating mess. Mess can be defined as the number of pieces that can be created and strewn about by a toddler. A croissant should be at the very very top of that list.
...how many pieces should you cut a piece of fruit to slow your toddler's intake so that you can actually eat some aswell.
Olympic effort
Inspired by the Olympics this week, I realize yet another skill parents must have - let's call it "Toddler Jujitsu"
Classic examples would be a successful pinning down of your child's arms, legs, and head in order to administer some type of medicine with only one hand, as the other hand must be holding said medicine without spilling.
Another class of the sport would be the successful clothing of said toddler in less than 10 minutes when they are determined to be naked - diapering, clothing, ponytail, and shoes. While the offensive side (parent) has the advantage of strength and weight, the defensive side (toddler) has maneuvers such as becoming completely limp, kicking without regard for the target, undressing as fast as possible when unattended - all of which are performed while screaming.
This leads to a well balanced match and often ends where everyone wins a little - the toddler is clothed, but the ponytail is somewhere close to the forehead resembling a crazed quail.
Classic examples would be a successful pinning down of your child's arms, legs, and head in order to administer some type of medicine with only one hand, as the other hand must be holding said medicine without spilling.
Another class of the sport would be the successful clothing of said toddler in less than 10 minutes when they are determined to be naked - diapering, clothing, ponytail, and shoes. While the offensive side (parent) has the advantage of strength and weight, the defensive side (toddler) has maneuvers such as becoming completely limp, kicking without regard for the target, undressing as fast as possible when unattended - all of which are performed while screaming.
This leads to a well balanced match and often ends where everyone wins a little - the toddler is clothed, but the ponytail is somewhere close to the forehead resembling a crazed quail.
Let me lead you down the path...
I think your brain goes into overdrive when you have kids. Things that might strike you as unusual set off bells much more quickly. This morning I had the following string of thoughts (over the course of about a minute) while nursing my son.
1. What is my daughter getting into?
2. Oh there she is, playing with the dogs toys. "That's a frisbee, that's a dog towel, and that's something to throw a tennis ball really far" (a hard plastic stick about 2.5ft long with a cup at the end for a ball)
3. I'm surprised my husband would have left that out - I think she could turn that into a weapon.
4. Sh*t, my husband didn't leave that out - where did she get it?
5. Ok, the dog cupboard - that explains the noises before.
6. Sh*t, what else is in there? I now run through a complete itinerary of the dog cupboard. Combs, towels, shampoo, medicine?
7. Ok, what to do? Try to coax my daughter into view and calculate exactly how much time my husband will be outside with the dog while trying to determine the look on his face when he sees 7 dog towels, toys, combs etc strewn over the kitchen floor.
8. How long will this take for me to clean up?
1. What is my daughter getting into?
2. Oh there she is, playing with the dogs toys. "That's a frisbee, that's a dog towel, and that's something to throw a tennis ball really far" (a hard plastic stick about 2.5ft long with a cup at the end for a ball)
3. I'm surprised my husband would have left that out - I think she could turn that into a weapon.
4. Sh*t, my husband didn't leave that out - where did she get it?
5. Ok, the dog cupboard - that explains the noises before.
6. Sh*t, what else is in there? I now run through a complete itinerary of the dog cupboard. Combs, towels, shampoo, medicine?
7. Ok, what to do? Try to coax my daughter into view and calculate exactly how much time my husband will be outside with the dog while trying to determine the look on his face when he sees 7 dog towels, toys, combs etc strewn over the kitchen floor.
8. How long will this take for me to clean up?
Analysis of poo
If horse poo is good for the garden, why does my "organic vegetable" fed dog produce waste that kills everything it touches.
Realist vs. Realist
I think I'm a realist and my husband's a pessimist. He thinks he's the realist and I'm the optimist.
Perfect example. We're walking the dog, I'm looking at the birds, trees, saying hello to people while my husband's approach is to get the job done and he's usually lost in thought.
So why is it always me that steps in dog poo?
Perfect example. We're walking the dog, I'm looking at the birds, trees, saying hello to people while my husband's approach is to get the job done and he's usually lost in thought.
So why is it always me that steps in dog poo?
I didn't realize it would happen so soon
"iPhone" is one of my daughter's 50 vocabulary words - she also knows how to use it.
On the home stretch
So here I am, 1 weekend away from returning to the work force and I'm already way behind on posts. Here's an attempt to catch up.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The last supper
It's taken me 24 hours to find these events funny. It was me and the 2 kids for dinner last night.
It all started innocently enough, the baby was sleeping in his bouncy chair next to me and I served up pork tenderloin wrapped in prosciutto with roast potatoes and pears and broccoli. I made this for me and had a backup for my daughter. Such was the case, as she wouldn't touch a single thing even though broccoli and pears are 2 of her favorites. She shook her head "no" at least 100 times in rapid succession until her hair was sticking perfectly straight outward from her head. I changed tactics, "please have 1 bite of broccoli and I'll get you some mac and cheese". A resounding "no" and more head shaking. This went on for about 10 minutes while I ate my dinner and I really wondered if I was going to throw up the white flag first. All the baby (and dog, for that matter) self help books were ringing in my head "Show them who's boss" "Be firm, and don't ever give in" I also wondered at what age my daughter would be able to see defeat on my face.
I gave up and got the mac and cheese. A minutes worth of calm before about 2 ounces of apple juice go flying. There should be a study of how much surface area 2 oz of apple juice can cover - I'm quite sure this instance was close to the theoretical limit. It covered underneath 1 side of the table to the other and on 3 chairs.
Ok, cleaned up - mop later, reset....
Next serving of mac and cheese. In the interim a single crushed pea was wiped in a perfect semicircular arc on the table and the fork was thrown on the floor. While picking it up and telling my daughter not to throw the fork, she hit me between the eyes with the spoon. Another one of those dumbstruck moments...
Timeout...both children crying.
OK reset....
After the 50th time asking my daughter to use either a fork or spoon for the mac and cheese and peas, I sit at the table, nursing my son completely defeated. She did use both the fork and spoon simultaneously in an attempt to get as many peas in her mouth at once, succeeding solely in spreading them in an ever increasing circle on the floor. She also ran her cheesy fingers through her afro'd hair creating a series of spikes.
OK...mid dinner cleanup of hands and hair and re-attaching the bib.
Finally we're done with dinner and there's no use in trying to brush the SpongeBob mac and cheese off her fleece pants as the crushed shapes are no longer recognizable. Off with her pants, leaving her only in her diaper, as I forgot to mention that she refused to wear a shirt.
It all started innocently enough, the baby was sleeping in his bouncy chair next to me and I served up pork tenderloin wrapped in prosciutto with roast potatoes and pears and broccoli. I made this for me and had a backup for my daughter. Such was the case, as she wouldn't touch a single thing even though broccoli and pears are 2 of her favorites. She shook her head "no" at least 100 times in rapid succession until her hair was sticking perfectly straight outward from her head. I changed tactics, "please have 1 bite of broccoli and I'll get you some mac and cheese". A resounding "no" and more head shaking. This went on for about 10 minutes while I ate my dinner and I really wondered if I was going to throw up the white flag first. All the baby (and dog, for that matter) self help books were ringing in my head "Show them who's boss" "Be firm, and don't ever give in" I also wondered at what age my daughter would be able to see defeat on my face.
I gave up and got the mac and cheese. A minutes worth of calm before about 2 ounces of apple juice go flying. There should be a study of how much surface area 2 oz of apple juice can cover - I'm quite sure this instance was close to the theoretical limit. It covered underneath 1 side of the table to the other and on 3 chairs.
Ok, cleaned up - mop later, reset....
Next serving of mac and cheese. In the interim a single crushed pea was wiped in a perfect semicircular arc on the table and the fork was thrown on the floor. While picking it up and telling my daughter not to throw the fork, she hit me between the eyes with the spoon. Another one of those dumbstruck moments...
Timeout...both children crying.
OK reset....
After the 50th time asking my daughter to use either a fork or spoon for the mac and cheese and peas, I sit at the table, nursing my son completely defeated. She did use both the fork and spoon simultaneously in an attempt to get as many peas in her mouth at once, succeeding solely in spreading them in an ever increasing circle on the floor. She also ran her cheesy fingers through her afro'd hair creating a series of spikes.
OK...mid dinner cleanup of hands and hair and re-attaching the bib.
Finally we're done with dinner and there's no use in trying to brush the SpongeBob mac and cheese off her fleece pants as the crushed shapes are no longer recognizable. Off with her pants, leaving her only in her diaper, as I forgot to mention that she refused to wear a shirt.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Poo
I usually try to avoid "poo" stories as you really have to have kids/dog to fully appreciate them. However, I have 3 stories that I want to remember.
It's about 10 degrees outside at night, my husband lets the dog out for some relief. They come back in with my husband complaining about my dog turning around in 50 circles in the snow before deciding that's not the exact spot he would like to poo. It's not the most elegant thing your dog can do, as the circles are often performed in a half squat. It's also not that elegant when your husband imitates it. Damn funny though.
When you are an "experienced" parent, there are much fewer things that warrant immediate attention. One to add to the list is the sound of your daughters diaper being removed unsupervised on a separate floor minutes after you ask the question "Did she just have a poo?" Judging by my husbands' immediate response, this event might make it to the top of the list.
Any parent can usually tell when their kid's had a poo. My daughter used to find a private quiet corner. The last 2 days she's done it right in front of me looking directly into my eyes. Those 10 seconds pass in silence.
It's about 10 degrees outside at night, my husband lets the dog out for some relief. They come back in with my husband complaining about my dog turning around in 50 circles in the snow before deciding that's not the exact spot he would like to poo. It's not the most elegant thing your dog can do, as the circles are often performed in a half squat. It's also not that elegant when your husband imitates it. Damn funny though.
When you are an "experienced" parent, there are much fewer things that warrant immediate attention. One to add to the list is the sound of your daughters diaper being removed unsupervised on a separate floor minutes after you ask the question "Did she just have a poo?" Judging by my husbands' immediate response, this event might make it to the top of the list.
Any parent can usually tell when their kid's had a poo. My daughter used to find a private quiet corner. The last 2 days she's done it right in front of me looking directly into my eyes. Those 10 seconds pass in silence.
I can't be expected to do it all...right?
When you have two little ones, there's no project management training in the world that can prepare you to keep tabs on gloves, wallets, cleanliness of hands, and the time of the last feeding. I'm usually a pretty organized efficient person, but it took me until 4pm yesterday to realize that my daughter had only eaten dry cheerios and fries all day.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Definitions
infinite = laundry. There is never a time when I don't have a full load of laundry to do.
sacrifice = staying inside for 90% of the only 60 C sunny day in January
devotion = my husband holding a crying baby for an hour while I clean a days worth of dishes from the dining room and kitchen
helpless = when you're sitting at the dining room table nursing with one arm, eating a Chick Fil-A sandwich with the other hand, and watching your 22month old carefully dip each of her 10 fingertips into ketchup. In one particular example, your daughter might then take those hands and run her fingers through her hair 10 seconds before your son has a diaper exploding poo. (It took a good 20 minutes to "reset" after that and added a bath to the evenings activities)
futile = trying to get my son to take a pacifier or trying to keep pants on my daughter for more than 50% of the day
apprehension = silence for more than 2 minutes when I can't actually see my daughter
sacrifice = staying inside for 90% of the only 60 C sunny day in January
devotion = my husband holding a crying baby for an hour while I clean a days worth of dishes from the dining room and kitchen
helpless = when you're sitting at the dining room table nursing with one arm, eating a Chick Fil-A sandwich with the other hand, and watching your 22month old carefully dip each of her 10 fingertips into ketchup. In one particular example, your daughter might then take those hands and run her fingers through her hair 10 seconds before your son has a diaper exploding poo. (It took a good 20 minutes to "reset" after that and added a bath to the evenings activities)
futile = trying to get my son to take a pacifier or trying to keep pants on my daughter for more than 50% of the day
apprehension = silence for more than 2 minutes when I can't actually see my daughter
Laundry day
Why is my underwear the only thing my daughter puts over her head when I'm folding laundry? To complete the mental picture, it looks like a scarf tied jauntily about her neck as she darts about the house leaving stray undergarments in her wake.
Our first date
With our daughter in bed and Grandma in charge, my husband and I went out solo for the first time since #2. As we were leaving, I reached into the pocket of my stylish Banana Republic grey wool coat, I discovered 2 toddler hairbands and a poo bag for the dog. It was like a cold water splash of reality to the face. God knows what's in my purse.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Bye bye maternity
I'm officially burning my maternity clothes. It doesn't seem fair that you eventually start to hate sweatpants and clothes with elastic waists.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
20 months between them
In between changing what feels like 50 diapers a day, I'm reminded of a very important advantage of having kids close together.
If the eldest child is less than 3 years old, they're spared the lifelong trauma of seeing a breast pump in action. I was 28 when I first saw one, and I still remember it vividly.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Good grief
I noticed instructions today that showed 5 separate steps for loading wipe refills into their box.
-open wipes
-open box
-put wipes into box
-close box
-pull first wipe through hole
Really? Who in the world suggested that - and then who agreed it was necessary?
Friday, January 15, 2010
DEFCON 4 in the dining room
There are many speeds at which you can eat.
Slow: Leisurely sidewalk cafe style in Europe, long-time friends catching up, group of 20 dinner party
Medium: Popular American restaurant, at home on a week night, work lunch
Fast: Need to catch a plane, finishing late night munchies before getting on the last metro in Washington DC
Ultimate: Nathan's hot dog eating contest, all meals eaten by a nursing mother with a newborn and 2 year old for the first 3 months.
I should just puree everything - at ultimate speed you can't discern texture or flavor. Plus it's usually cold.
How we all really feel about cleaning
I had no idea an 18 month old could clean up after themselves. Our daughter went to daycare and they had a catchy jingle for the toddlers "Clean-up, clean-up, everybody clean-up; Clean-up, clean-up, clean-up everyone." Remember this is for toddlers...and I actually witnessed toddlers cleaning up while it was being sung. So my husband and I attempt to use this at home.
Today while my husband was cleaning up toys in the living room, we upped the ante. "Please help clean-up before we watch a Dora the Explorer episode," AND he was singing. Although sitting helplessly on the couch while nursing, I suggested that my daughter put her puzzles in the box. That was completely ignored, so I suggested that my husband put a couple puzzles in the box to show her what to do.
She went over to the puzzles, calmly bent over at the waist, and pulled her pants down.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sure to disappoint
I realized last night that every time I change my son he's looking up at me and seeing a golden halo around my head from the ceiling lights. It is all downhill from here.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The attention span of a 2 year old
Never confuse attention span with memory. My 2 year old has the memory of an elephant when it comes to the location of any dessert item, dangerous or forbidden item, or item that has been removed from play.
Monday, January 11, 2010
The logic of single motherhood
I went out to the library and to grab some lunch with the 2 kids today. When returning to the car, I was reminded of one of those logic puzzles - the fox, the chicken, and some corn need to cross the river and the boat can only take 2 of them; what's the fewest number of river crossings?
My version,
(1) 21 month old daughter on my hip with potential to run out in parking lot
(2) 1 month old in stroller screaming as he's hungry and it's 35 degrees outside
(3) My purse in the stroller basket
Which do you leave unattended the longest?
For me, it was the purse.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Serengeti
Have you ever seen one of those nature programs where a mother, say a lioness, is feeding her 6 cubs? They're fighting for position, walking all over her, kicking her in the face and she just lays there with a blank stare. I now know exactly what that feels like - except I'm out of my league with 2.
Kids love stickers
My daughter snagged a panty liner, ran into the hall, peeled the back off, and yelled "Sticker". Although I was right on her heels, this declaration definitely gave her the advantage.
"It's not a sticker, it's a ...." Oh hell, I've got at least 10 years before I have to explain that.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Ring around the ...
There aren't too many things more comical than your 30 lbs toddler pushing a toy grocery cart carrying your dogs treat ball around the house with the 100 lbs Lab 6 inches behind. After the 6th lap through the kitchen, hall and dining room loop, the dog somehow snagged the ball and made a run for it.
The cleanest weight bench on the east coast
We have a weight bench in our 1 month old sons room. That's not the joke...
When I need to change him, my daughter says "Help?". The 3 of us head upstairs, she asks for a wipe, and then proceeds to scrub the weight bench clean. It's by far the cleanest surface in the house. The question is how I get her to switch to dusting?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Big sister
I love that my daughter talks to my newborn son, gives him kisses, and knows his name. I also think it's great that she is more interested in her dolls, changes their diapers, pushes them in the stroller, and burps them.
However, I feel absolutely ridiculous breastfeeding a cabbage patch kid.
Holy crap, why don't we all buy stock in Pampers?
I empty a full diaper pail every other day.
For clarity, that does include the extra diapers that are used on Eeyore and the Cabbage Patch kid.
Sometimes science fails me
After being truly ready to deliver, I read up on "natural ways" to induce labor. There are some suggestions that we've all heard of and there are the more obscure options like eating pineapple.
My thoughts on...
1. walking - when you're 9 months pregnant and 35lbs heavier with incessant back pain, walking isn't as straightforward as it sounds
2. castor oil - does vomiting induce labor?
3. spicy food - definitely the best choice so far
4. sex - really? I think I've never felt less attractive in my entire life than when I'm 9 months pregnant
5. pineapple - this cannot possibly be true, but I like pineapple
I'll be damned. I had pineapple for dessert and went into labor exactly 2 hours later.
The difference with number 2
When you deliver your first child, you have no idea what just happened or what will happen. When you deliver the second, you actually have enough sense to realize that we are all perfect at the beginning.
And I'm finally tired enough...
After 4 weeks with a newborn and a 20 month old, the logical, organized, effective side of the brain has completely shut down and the creative side wakes up.
Welcome back to the blog :)
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