It's not about being #1......

I've heard that the second child is statistically likely to be less intelligent. I don't think it has the slightest thing to do with the parents. Much more likely, the first one has had something to do with the second one landing on their heads.

blueberries are evil

It's hard to describe what it's like to step on a blueberry in bare feet. Your brain immediately scans through totally irrational options, none of which are pleasant. It's actually worse to step on that blueberry in shoes, as you likely walk 100 yards back and forth from the kitchen leaving a checkerboard of circular dots before realizing what happened.

I scream, you scream

You come to expect that food will go in all directions during meal time with your toddler. However, when they eat chocolate ice cream, none so much as a drop misses their mouth

I wonder if she'll ever know how much....

True love is your daughter needing to go potty with 30 seconds left in the Elite Eight game when your team is down by 2

"Put the cheerios down and walk away"

This is funny, because I said it to my husband

Edible Regimin

Kids skin and hair are beautiful because they smear natural products like yogurt, jam, and potatoes all over themselves daily.

Sometimes you're right to expect the worst

For 5 full seconds I was really hoping that smear was a booger, then admitting defeat, I just started a bath.

Girls are definitely different than boys

Although my daughter is 2 years older, she has never once been carried sideways into the house with dog poo all over her left hand.

Why does the TV lie?

Tide commercials do not come close to capturing the absolute filth of a child's blanket or a favorite stuffed toy. Mud and grass would be welcome substitutes.

Bobble-head?

Anyone have any ideas on how to hold a wiggling baby on a changing table while trying to close those snap poppers on their new clean outfit with one hand? It's important to say that babies under 4 months old can't sit up yet. It's also important to say that for some reason 95% of all clothes have snap poppers at the back of the neck which would be the most inaccessible place to put them.

Not even a second thought

I didn't hesitate for one second to pick the booger out of my daughter's nose. I thought that was kind of shocking.

Nursing is not glamorous

I really never thought I'd be topless in the backseat of a car in a Wendy's parking lot in Laurinburg NC. Thank god for tinted windows. That's probably the worst of the nursing locations that include, but are not limited to, the Wegman's parking lot, a gas station in Lynchburg VA, a park at Lake Norman, and the outlets in Gettysburg.

We've gotta stick together....(post courtesy of a friend!)

1) Whoever said “sleep when the baby sleeps” is full of cr*p and clearly has never been a mom… everyone knows that naptime is the time to pick up the toys, vacuum the filthy floors, wash the bottles, do the laundry, restock the baby supplies and IF you are lucky, eat something and take a shower to get that nasty baby spit up out of your hair… 2) Not sure about girls, but if you have a boy, diaper changes are like a NASCAR pitstop… after 2 weeks of pissed on changing tables, walls, clothes and almost anything within a 3 ft radius, I could change that kid in 5.6 seconds flat… 3) Speaking of diapers, diaper sausages are NASTY… they are nasty no matter what you do… you can change them everyday, Lysol them, wrap the diapers into tiny little diaper Wontons and they will STILL be NASTY… just accept it… 4) If you have dogs and at first they are not wild about the new edition to the family… no worries… come solid food time they will be best friends. 5) They will do things in their own time… not when you want them to or when any book says…. But last time I checked, there weren’t any kids in kindergarten eating baby food, pooping their diapers or crawling on all fours… so it will probably work out. 6) It is TOTALLY worth having Goldfish crumbs all over the back of your new car if it gets your child to stop screaming bloody murder on a 10 min car ride… enough said. 7) On my first day back at work, I got upset about all the “firsts” that I would miss by not being there… my wise husband looked at me and simply said, “Don’t worry… he’ll do it again.” 8) No matter how bad your day was, a gummy baby smile will always make everything all better. 9) It is really hard to be a working mom… you can find a balance that gets you through, but you need to be prepared to disappoint yourself from time to time. 10) Despite #9, when he falls down and hurts himself, the first person that he calls for is “Maaaa Maaaaa!”…. so you must be doing something right!

I hate Murphy

If you have a king size sheet with a dime sized poo....you will put your hands in it when loading it into the washing machine

I have no dignity

My son came to sit in my lap, farted, and then got up and walked away. I didn't even pause in the middle of my sentence.

cleanliness is next to...

There are at least 4 benefits of your son poo-ing in the bath 1. It makes you REALLY appreciate your 3 year old 2. It makes me glad that I never clean my bathtub unless I have to 3. It puts everything in perspective, "figuratively" feeling like you've been shit on is nothing like "literally" being shit on 4. Pooing in the bath will drive you to drink during the week - and a glass of wine a day is good for you.